


where do we start; the beginning or the end?

by cherrykirsch



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Family Loss, Found Family, Introspection, Loss, Loss of Control, Loss of Identity, Memory Loss, Multi, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 20:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15736857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrykirsch/pseuds/cherrykirsch
Summary: Taako is still trying to get everything to make sense. But there's one thing he knows for sure; he's immensely fucking pissed.





	where do we start; the beginning or the end?

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished TAZ so take this fic! Please, Griffin McElroy killed me emotionally and that drove me to write this.

There were bits of his life, after the IPRE and the Voidfish, and Lucretia's plan that didn't make sense. Of course, then he didn't know that Lucretia was behind it all— his last memory of that night, on the deck of a ship the colour of starlight, on what he felt was a deeply unfamiliar yet similar planet to something else he didn't know (or remember, he realises now), was of the green light flashing from his wand and striking a man he was he sure he had to know in the chest and watching as he toppled over the railing. At that point, his entire brain was static, so loud and there that he couldn't think.

He just clutched his head and tried to remember something, tears dripping steadily down his cheeks, on the floor of a place he didn't know.

Where was he? Why didn't he know where he was? Who was that man?

The questions swirled in his head on an unforgiving loop that only served to filter more static through his head. He was disoriented, dizzy, confused and he was so, so scared. He needed to find answers, remember something, anything. Every time he thought of his past, there was something that was missing, and he wasn't sure what it was and it killed him.

_'Taako, what if she's just gone?'_

That man with the brown hair and the thick rimmed glasses had asked him that, his chin in his hand as he stared off into the stars. He must've… known him at least, they were wearing the same red robes, Taako's hand had been on his shoulder. But he didn't know him. That man was a stranger to him, and Taako had killed him when he asked — muscle reflex memory, as if he had owed this man something.

_'W̴̭͝h̷͚̆á̶͚t̸̨̃ ̴͚̂a̷̮͒r̶̡̎ẻ̵͎ ̴͖̓w̵̲͌ḛ̸͗…̴̭̽?̵̲̔ ̸̢̒O̴͕̓h̴̛̹,̵̩͊ ̷̭͗g̴̲͋o̸̫͊ḍ̶̕,̷͐͜ ̶͈̑XXX…̵̙͗ ̴̗̑T̶͈̄a̸̡̓å̸͚k̷̪̇o̸͖̓,̷͝ͅ ̸̻͛Ì̷̡’̸̠͊m̷͖̓-̵͚̀ ̵̡̾Ĩ̸͔ ̷̪͛c̴͕̅á̷͉ṉ̴̚’̵̣̄ṯ̷͋ ̷̰̈́r̴̺͗ḛ̸͂m̷̛̝e̸̩͝ḿ̵̮b̴̼̔e̸̱͂r̸̥̓ ̶̟̓h̷̲̕e̴͇̐r̶̗͠ ̴͝ͅf̸̛͉ǎ̶͈c̵͓̒ė̸̗,̸͔̄ ̴̡͒T̶̲͗ä̶̡́a̵̲̿k̸̫͗ȏ̴̬.̸̼̾ ̸̨̆T̸̟̓à̷̠a̴̟͗k̴̳͛o̵͔̍,̷͈̔ ̴̼̊w̶̼͝ḣ̵͎ȩ̶̽r̴͕̃e̵̤͊-̸̝͋'_

He had said a name before, of the She that's 'just gone'. But he can't remember it now, the name is broken in his head, nothing but static and emptiness and it feels like his heart is breaking in his chest though he doesn't know why. None of this makes any sense. Everything is too complicated, confusing, and he gives up trying to remember and slumps over, his hands tangled in his hair as he sobs through the fabric of the red robe in his lap.

* * *

Taako wakes up in a soft bed in his stagecoach, his hair ruffled and cheeks stiff. He had such a strange dream. He had shot a man with his magic, there was a She… not that it mattered, really. He had cooking to do.

After all, he was Taako. Y'know, like from TV.

* * *

Ever since he was little, he had always loved cooking. There was something that felt like home in it, and learning magic to make it more fun was just the icing on the metaphorical cake — except when he actually made cakes. They were always made with fresh fruit and whipped cream, the sponges a fluffy perfection. He handed out samples at the shows, taught others how to spice up their own cooking, endorsed the use of transmutation magic. It just made everything a little more fun.

It was perfect. He finally had a place where he felt like he belonged, in front of the crowds with his assistant, Sazed, at his side. The kid had potential, spunk, a certain kind of spice that Taako could recognise in himself, and he respected that. But when Sazed came to him proposing a joint show, an entire rebranding, he had to say no. Of course, he wasn't cruel, he let the kid down gently, he was prepared to let him participate more and he thought that would make up for it. The kid was sad for a while, Taako couldn't blame him for that, but he bounced back.

And that's when everything he had spent his entire life building came crumbling down around him.

He'd learn later that it was Sazed that had caused those innocent people to die, not a mistake in his transmutation magic like he had thought at the time. Chicken marinated in poison, forty people dead within days. But Taako didn't wait around long enough to see that.The moment the first person got ill, Taako panicked and did the only thing he could think of doing; he ran. He told Sazed to hit the road and they didn't look back until they were three days away, and then Sazed left him. At the time, he had presumed it was because Sazed didn't want to be held to Taako's reputation. Now he knew it was guilt.

Regardless, Taako was alone in the world once more. He felt scared, vulnerable, and like he was missing something.

He hitched the first ride to Neverwinter and didn't look back. And he didn't cook anymore.

* * *

He found friends in Magnus Burnsides and Merle Highchurch, and even he knew they were a rather unlikely bunch.

Even after only knowing them for a couple of days, it felt like they had been friends forever. Magnus was always throwing himself in front of people to protect them, and Merle was the most sociable out of all of them, and he seemed to know his way the best. While Barry was there too, he was good company. To chivalrous, always doing things for the sake of being good and righteous, and he died in the explosion at Phandalin because of this — though Taako wouldn't fault him for this, he was just so good, and there was something inside him that trusted him.

He didn't even know the dude well enough before his death, yet he still felt… a sense sadness deep inside of him at the news. And he clutches his Umbra Staff just a little bit closer.

And then all at once, he feels like he's forgetting something as takes the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, resits the thrall and tucks it into his bag. Afterwards, when he tries to remember what he was forgetting, it gives him a headache and he gives up, chalks it up to the funky day and the Voidfish and goes back to his bunk to sleep. He tucks himself up a little bit tighter that night.

* * *

In Angus MacDonald, he finds something alike to a little brother. That is, if his little brother was an exceptional boy detective. 

(And he does feel bad about the silverware, honestly and truly.)

He trusts everything in Angus, and, because of him (and some of Taako's signature Ingenious Puzzle Solving), they managed to figure out who was the murderer on the Rockport Limited, and they managed to stop a runaway train from destroying Neverwinter. Taako was kind of over the whole destroying a whole town thing, and, also the Director told him to try not to do that, please and thank you. 

Avi owed him 100 GP.

They recover the Oculus, and, like the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, Taako resists it's thrall and tells it to shut the fuck up. It does, promptly, and when they return to the moon base the Director has it destroyed.

Angus shows up after their mission to Goldcliff, and, though Taako pretends not to care, he is overjoyed. He missed the little kiddo. There was something nice about being a brother again.

* * *

Taako pauses, looks away from Angus. Being a brother _again?_ But, he had never even been a brother in the first place.

It had always been him. Just Taako— y'know, like from TV.

* * *

Kravitz says he's died 19 times, and that he's there to take him (and Magnus and Merle too, but this is about _him_ ) back to the Astral Plane.

Fuck that noise. He has Lucas to deal with, Mr. Bone-Dude can wait for now — if nothing else, he needs to get that Stone, it's caused far too much damage already and some part of him deep inside feels as if he's responsible for it. Though there's no way he can be, it must just be the crystal he ate earlier turning his stomach all sorts of weird. Honestly, thats the last time he trusts anything that can be used to eat something from Fantasy Costco.

There was the Red Robe in the Cosmoscope, his voice unfamiliar but the red the same shade of their null suits. They saw the Planer System, the huge expanse of the universe, and that Red robe was watching them — it told them about a billion billion lives that have been lost to a hunger, they watched as a black smoke consumed the coloured disks. Then it looked at Taako.

The Red Robe looked at Taako's Umbra Staff. Red electricity crackled and it trembled.

**_'You found her?!'_ **

And then it exploded, and Taako was shaken and he felt like something like that had been said to him before. Except about the opposite. Someone lost. And it tore him up inside until he had to go back to the Bureau of Balance, find an empty room and gather himself, his shoulders shaking and his head full of static that wouldn't go away.

* * *

A name is burned into the back of his skull, into the wall of the cafeteria.

 _L-U-P_.

Lup. 

He doesn't know what it means, and it makes his head hurt. What is Lup? Why couldn't he think about it?

* * *

Every time he died in Refuge, there was something that broke him, it was like loss all over again.

A seething anger that crackled red inside of him, a screaming that drummed into his skull for a split second, chipped nails tearing at walls. And then that white room, the old woman in the yellow dress. And everything was okay again.

And he felt almost complete again. But not quite, and he didn't know why.

* * *

Barry is alive and he doesn't understand why. Nothing about him being there, him being the Red Robe made any sense, until he found out that Barry was a lich. And he knew a Lup, he loved a Lup, and he needed to find her but he didn't know how. But first he needed to get into a body, make his way up to the Bureau and he needed their help with this.

Lup was his sister. She was so special. She was his other half. She is missing.

And Barry knows why Taako can't remember, why none of them can remember, and everything points to the Director.

There is a voice in his head that wasn't there before, and it makes his heart swell and tears prick in his eyes, like he has missed this voice so fucking much and that it kills him to hear it again. This is a voice of someone he loved — loves, but he can't remember who, and he just wants to fucking remember, because everything is so confusing and none of it makes sense, and he _hates_ it.

_Trust Barry. Love Barry. Taako, it’s - it’s me, it’s Ļ̶̡̧̢̨̨̧̧̡̧̧̡̧̨̨̛̛̛̛̛̛̛̛͕̩̱̙̻̟̦̖͎͇̦̬̯͖͙͖͎̻͎̗̠̱͍̫̠̺͍̪̠͎͔̞̺̩͕͎̲̲̞̪̪̲̰̮̺̭͓͇̮̺̤͕̤̟̱̟̙͚͎̺̗͍̺̪̬͕̱̣̲̝͕͕̟̰̞̰̫͖̖͓̙̤͖͔̙͎̬̹͕̬͎̥̲͓̼͓͔͙̜̱̦͚͎̟̙̳̟̫̱̤̲̖̥̘͕̦̳̟̞͙̞̙̖̼͎͙͇̪̳̱̜͇͚̩̫̬̤̮̣̮̗͎͍͖̻̮̙̪̱̦̠͉͔̹̜̞̤̬̫̻̥̘̳̯̺̺̲̖̤͉̺̼̱͈̝͈͎̤͔̗̲͙̦̣̺͇͚̼̙̟̊͌͂̅̏̉̃̾̈́̔̈̽̓͒̽́͛͌̊̍͐̽̀͑͋͂̈́̿́͊̔̃͒̀̏͂̆̀̈͆̈́͛̏̓̈̏̔̋̐̈͛̉͆̑͒̅̾̇͗̆͊͗͗͑́́̉̔̔͋̓̉̾̉͗̉͒́̀̿́̉̈͂̓̃̊͋͊̆̃̑̅̿̋̒̌̑͋͆̃̽͑̇̒̄̂̈̆̃͛̾̆̿̊̑̏͑͐͒̒̀̒͆͂́̆͗͋̓̅͐̐̊̉̋̌͑͗͑͒̅̐͐̋͋̑̊̉͆̐̅̽̐͋̿̂̚̚̚͜͜͜͜͜͜͜͜͠͝͠͝͝͠͝͝͝ͅͅͅͅͅư̴̡̨̡̨̨̢̧̢̨̢̢̨̡̡̢̧̢̢̛̛̛̼͙̮̖̩̙̳͖̝̙̞̩̮͓̠̱̫̠̪̻̱̘̳̭̟̗̥̖̭͉̯͔̩̟̦̙̫̜̩̻̹͙̱̺͎̺̠̦̦̬͈̲̱̯̱̬̹͔̜̭̩͕̩̺͈̳̥̫̦͔͍̱͖̣̰̞͚̹̤͙̫͔̘̺̥̙̹̮̪͉̰͚̪͇̬̭̘͈̙̥̹͎͇͖̦̘̹͎̣̬̝̹̩̻̲̘̖̯̩̖̘͔̤̜̝͙̙͚̤̤̰͚̜̫͖͖̜̺͇̭͓̫̗͍̳̼̗̮̩͓͍̐͗̓̃̌̓̑̀͒͗͋̅̆̊̏̒̾̈̑́͛͒̋͌̈́̾̓͒̾͂̀̊̉̑͊̽͂͐̒͒̂̅̀͛͋̓͒͐̆͌̊͛̀̉̆̇͊́̒͂̇̉̊̾̂̊́͛͌͊̇̿̑̽̿͛̀̌͆͛͐͋̐́̂̐͑͑͒̔͂̾̂͂̔͂̊̓̄̓̀̋̒͒̅̉͂͗̊̆͌͆͒̍͂̈̍͒̊̇͂̉̋͆͑͛̔̽̀̎̋̚̕̚͘̚̚͜͜͜͜͜͝͝͝͠͠͝͝͠͠͝͝͝ͅͅp̶̢̨̡̢̡̢̡̨̡̢̢̢̡̨̧̧̨̧̢̨̢̧̩͙̙̻̘̗͕͍̠͓͎̼̺̻̬͓̼̞͕̙̖̳̭̩͔̖̮͓̼̬̠͖̟̪̯̼̱͉̠͚̜̹͚̼̦͓̥̬̹̺͔̪̬͔͇͔̺͚̮̠̱̞̲̮̼̣̬̤͍͎̭̝̳̯̩̣̭̯̲͉̱̭͔͓͚̮͈̖̳̱͖̣̯͖͙̦͔̲͉̤͇̙͔͍̮̤̩̗̻̭̗̜̪̝͈̞̠̖͕̗͈̪̭̰̳̬̭̹̠̥͔͈̳̺̥͉̠̠̳̮̖̺̺̯͙̗̣̟̮̣͎̰̙͈̲͍̙̞͚̘̺̯̜̘̬̹̘̟̟̘͎̤̠̬͔̝̰̯͖̳̻͚͎̪̥̜̮͎̱̗̳̦̲̞͙̲͚̦̳̙̣̰̪̬͈̪̜̦̖͚̘͍̏̅̇̽̋̀̈́̄̄̀̀͑́̏͋͆̈̔̅͐͗͊̀̓̔̀̾͐̈́̇͂̈́̚͜͜͜͜͜͜͜͜͜͝ͅͅͅͅͅͅͅ it’s me, trust Barry._

So he trusts Barry, and everything falls into place.

* * *

In the end, Taako had a century stolen from him by the Director, Lucretia as he knows her now.

She wasn't destroying the relics, she was collecting the Light of Creation from inside them for her own spell to cut off their world from all the others, to keep The Hunger out. She erased their memories to protect them, to make them happier, so they didn't have to live with the weight of throwing chaos into this world, but, in doing so, she stole their pasts from them. She ripped them from each other.

Lucretia took Lup from him.

Taako is still trying to get all of this to make sense in his head. Trying to fit a scattered puzzle together as all the memories come filtering back in. But there's one thing he knows for sure; he's immensely fucking pissed.

He trusted Madam Director, he trusted Lucretia, as an amnesiac and as his past self, and he got fucked over. And he got Lup taken from him— she was all he ever had, she was his other half, his sister, his home, and she stole that from him. And he wants her to pay for it, the world is fucking ending but he doesn't care, because he's lost everything that's important to him, his only living family, his darling sister, and it's her fucking fault.

Now he remembers, his heart aches and he's so fucking angry.

But Lucretia disappears before he can do anything, and he turns to fight The Hunger, and he wants to get his sister back.

* * *

Lup had been with him all along, in her Umbra Staff — and he totally knew that all along.

He finally has his sister back, the part of him that he missed so much even though he didn't know it, and he feels whole and complete, utterly at home with her and Barry and Kravitz. And he wants to make sure that nothing like that ever happens again, and, in the end they do defeat The Hunger and they return to living.

Taako isn't _just_ Taako from TV anymore.

He's not alone; they're Taako and Lup again, and he's a brother again, and he missed it so much.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: [ cherry-kirsch ](cherry-kirsch.tumblr.com) || twitter: [ cherriwrites ](https://twitter.com/cherriwrites)


End file.
